MAGP014 - Pet Project • Very Unofficial Transcripts Archive (2024)

ANNOUNCER

This episode is dedicated to Sari-Anna Ballard, and I just wanted to say, I absolutely love this series and everything you’ve done; you guys are an inspiration to me and I always look forward to seeing more of your content! Keep it up!

[Intro Theme]

ANNOUNCER

Rusty Quill Presents: The Magnus Protocol.

Episode Fourteen – Pet Project.

[Music]

[Some beeps, then the echoey CCTV audio starts up]

[Footsteps approach]

ALICE

How’s the new blend?

CELIA

(exhales) Vicious.

ALICE

Excellent.

[Alice pours herself a cup, then opens a cabinet]

[Rummaging noises]

[Cabinet is closed; Alice sits back down]

ALICE

Choco Leibniz?

CELIA

Mm, the good stuff! I’m honoured.

ALICE

Damn right you are.

[They chew.]

ALICE

So. How’s tricks?

CELIA

(yawning) Not bad. You?

ALICE

Same old.

Been anywhere good recently?

CELIA

Yeah, well, y’know.

ALICE

(surprised) Do I?

[Beat]

ALICE

Oh, the date! Yeah, I was going to ask you about that, actually.

CELIA

Oh yeah?

ALICE

So…

How was it?

CELIA

It was… (trails off) good.

ALICE

…Ah.

CELIA

No, no, it was good, it’s just… well.

ALICE

Just…?

CELIA

We mostly talked about work.

ALICE

(pitying) Oh, Sam.

CELIA

(audibly smiling) You know what he’s like, he’s a sweet guy, but he can just be a bit…

ALICE

Infuriating?

CELIA

(laughing) Intense! Sometimes.

ALICE

Yeah.

What were you actually talking about? He’s been worked up about the job ever since you two went out. It’s like watching a dog with a toffee – funny at first, but it’s hard not to worry…

CELIA

(smiling) We were just speculating on what the actual deal is. You know, the big “why.”

ALICE

Sure, I went through the same thing when I started.

CELIA

I mean, it wasn’t all work.

ALICE

(amused huff) Let me guess, discount roses, two-for-one sushi and a split cab home before nine, that sort of thing?

CELIA

I’m more of a lilies gal.

ALICE

(dramatically) A woman after my own heart.

(normal again) Well, don’t be too hard on him. He tries his best, he’s just a bit… naff sometimes.

CELIA

I’m sure he’ll do better next time.

ALICE

Ha! Yeah.

…

(realising she’s serious) Oh! Cool.

[Beat. They finish their biscuits.]

CELIA

Listen, Alice –

ALICE

(sighing, quietly) Here we go…

CELIA

Is this going to be a problem?

ALICE

(almost bitter) Golly gosh, I hope not!

CELIA

I’m serious. You need to tell me if you’re going to have an issue with us. I don’t know what the deal was between you, but I’m not interested in getting tangled up in workplace drama.

ALICE

(dripping with sarcasm) The only drama is the dilemma of how I could possibly get by without you all to myself!

[Beat.]

CELIA

(uncertain) Alice, I…

ALICE

(too fast) …am too intimidated by your genius intellect and desperately hot bod and think we should just stay friends? I couldn’t agree more.

And on that note, I’m going to head off before I make you any more in love with me. (heh) Just try to restrain yourself, yeah? Sam’s masculinity is already hanging by a thread.

CELIA

(a forced laugh) Aha. …Sure.

[Alice exits]

[Celia blows out a breath, a bit overwhelmed]

[The CCTV shuts off]

[O.I.A.R. microphone whirs on]

[Sam hums to himself as he types]

LENA

(out of nowhere) Good evening, Sam.

SAM

(surprised) Oh! Er…

LENA

How are you getting on?

SAM

Er, yeah, good, great… thank you. Getting into the groove.

LENA

I’m glad to hear it.

[Awkward pause]

SAM

Was there… something else?

LENA

Have you seen Gwen tonight?

SAM

I’ve not, I’m afraid. But if I do, I’ll send her your way.

LENA

See that you do. Thank you, Sam.

SAM

Sure.

[Lena departs, closing a door]

SAM

Okay…

[He gets back to typing]

[A beep–]

CHESTER

Treatment Report.
Elima Pest Ltd.

[Typing continues in the background]

Attending Technician: Alyssa Beck
Date: 01.08.1995.
Job Number 8146
Client Contact: Anthony Walker.
Property Type: Commercial.
Address: Resounding Reptile Emporium, Hartshill, Newcastle-Under-Lyme
Follow up Required: Yes
Report Type: Call Out
Note: Follow up postponed until location of attending technician determined.

Initial Assessment – 15:30

(in an official tone of voice:) Call out received from dispatch at 15:05 to attend the property. Client reported that a rat had been spotted in the shop’s break room.

Upon arrival I met with the proprietor. Shopkeeper was concerned about the potential of fleas or ticks brought in by the rodent. He had clear red-slash-sore patches around his neck from itching. I assured him that, unless he had come into close contact, it was unlikely that he had been bitten or suffered from parasite transference. Most likely psychosomatic phantom bites as an effect of the current heatwave. Worth noting, however, that the strong odour of the shop indicates that the IAQ of the Reptile Emporium is likely below recommendations.

Follow-up probably required. I suspect that due to the heat and humidity of the shop, mosquitoes may be present, which might also be the source of the shopkeeper’s skin irritation. The Resounding Reptile Emporium backs onto a marshy nature reserve, which increases this risk, although none spotted during initial inspection.

Requested shop to be cleared of customers for full inspection. Client’s agitation increased, presumably due to business worries, resulting in a brief altercation. Kept mentioning “his burden” and grabbing at my sleeve. Received slight scratch by accident, but no escalation or violence, so no need for full incident report, although anyone following up should be advised there may be a mental health problem.

Inspection – 15:41

Break room situated in an annex separated from the main shop by a formerly external door (adequate barrier between main shop and affected area). Customers vacated from premises by client.

Multiple uncovered food sources present in break room:

• open bin containing various unfinished food items and empty frozen mice packets (snake food, presumably).
• Discarded crisp and sweet wrappers on countertops.

Even with the window open, there is a strong smell of spoiled food. Recommended consideration: sealed waste disposal and food storage.

Ants spotted in and around cabinets, follow-up required for treatment if full infestation identified.

Further Inspection – 15:50

Found cylindrical droppings with sheared ends, indicating squirrel. Minimal volume: likely just the one.

Woodland area and trees directly outside breakroom window. Recommended prevention: mesh grate over window to prevent further ingress. Squirrel discovered on overhead cabinets. Window left fully opened to aid exit. Area sealed.

Treatment – 16:10

Retrieved live capture trap from van. Customers granted re-entry to shop floor.

During room preparation, small hole discovered between wall of breakroom and adjacent room. Used by squirrel as point of egress.

Adjacent room locked, key requested and signed out with client. Hole sealed.

Summary – 16:30

Squirrel found among storage boxes and captured alive with trap. Will seal ingress hole after removal. Captured squirrel appears lethargic, likely injured or poisoned. Remov–

[The music abruptly grows louder]

(low, scared) Police aren’t here yet. They say any minute, but I don’t think it’ll matter. I can hear the operator on the phone, but it’s just noise.

Snakes, thousands of them – how could he keep so many in there?

Dad, this is for you, for everything you taught me, everything you shared. I need you to know what happened and I know you’ll believe me. Don’t blame yourself for not answering the phone. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.

The other room, the one the squirrel escaped to, the one I’m in now, it’s a sort of makeshift CCTV office, just a storage closet, really. All the cameras show the shop interior. Just after I caught the damn thing, when I was about to head out, something caught my eye. On the screen. I wasn’t being nosy, I promise, it was just there, I couldn’t help but notice.

The client, the guy who owns the shop, he was reaching over the counter, grabbing at a customer while their daughter stood crying nearby. I recognised the girl, or at least the toy gosling she was holding, remembered how she looked at her dad when I told the two of them to wait outside.

It reminded me of us.

It’s – selfish, how I wish you were here now, Dad.

When I unsealed the shop floor, the shopkeeper seemed obsessed with continuing his sales pitch to the pair. He was adamant that they purchase a snake and pretty much ignored me entirely. It made me a bit uneasy, so I hung back to watch. Thinking back, I should have noticed he was… off.

[Music grows louder, like a warning siren]

As I watched the monitor the shopkeeper suddenly lunged forward, clearing the desk, smashing the glass on his way with a crash I heard even through the closed door, leaving him sprawling among the crickets previously boxed on the shelf behind him. They were jumping, flowing, twitching, thousands of them, just juddering pixels on the monitor, but the noise was palpable, punching through the wall like a fist. I grabbed my phone and called the police. I-I should’ve gone out there and helped but – but I was scared. I just – couldn’t.

I started to explain over the phone and they said something back, but I wasn’t listening. On the screen I could see the customer had scrambled to his feet and he and his daughter were nearly out of the entrance. The shopkeeper lunged one last time and that’s when I noticed he’d… started to change. He was bloated. Swollen around the neck.

The door slammed in his face and as he stumbled backwards, something fell from his mouth. I couldn’t make it out, though. The screen was so fuzzy and it was just a blur.

Moments passed with no noise except the screaming crickets and my own thudding heartbeat. The shopkeeper lay completely prone, he hadn’t moved at all, and I wondered if the fall had knocked him out, cracked his skull or something. Then there was movement near his head, and he began to twitch and spasm. I thought it might be a seizure but then – his mouth began to open, wider and wider, impossibly wide, his jaw bones snapping with the strain. And then a horde of slender shapes slithered out.

[Faint rattling noises]

Snakes, Dad. Thousands of them. All from inside him, pushing up through his deflating throat. The floor was lost beneath the heaving, writhing mass of them. I could hear the scrape of their scales on the linoleum, but they made no other sound.

Then the owner’s body began to slide across the floor towards the closed door between us. It took me a moment to realise his body was being pulled over the broken glass and debris, carried on the creatures’ backs. Towards me.

I got the door locked just in time. This room, it’s a mess. Printouts, delivery notes, a bunch of rejection letters from some institute he pinned to the wall with a kitchen knife. And it’s hot in here, Dad. Too hot.

Oh god. I can feel it. My throat is swelling and it – itches. I can still hear all the snakes brushing up against the door and… in the walls, I think. Christ, they’re in the walls…

(blankly) Oh god. I forgot about the hole.

I love you, Da–

[Chester stops with a beep]

[Sam lets out a breath]

SAM

(quietly, to himself:) No. No. Could be any institute.

GWEN

The letters, you mean?

SAM

Jesus! (catches his breath) Don’t sneak up on people like that!

GWEN

(putting bags down) I didn’t “sneak up.” It’s not my fault if you’re distracted.

SAM

When did you get here?

GWEN

Just now. (swivels on the chair) Seems pretty straightforward to me. Snakes, not sure what the collective noun is, horde, maybe? Cross-link with infection, too, probably. I wouldn’t have thought the letters have any bearing on the classification.

SAM

(down) Uh, right. Yeah. Thanks.

GWEN

You can check the binder yourself though, I’ve got other stuff to do.

SAM

Yeah. (remembering) Oh – hey, speaking of, Lena was after you.

GWEN

(blankly) When?

SAM

Dunno. Few minutes ago. She seemed, uh… not happy.

GWEN

(an amused huff) Is she ever?

SAM

Hah.

GWEN

What did you tell her?

SAM

Hm? Nothing. Just that I hadn’t seen you.

Something wrong?

GWEN

(short sigh) Nothing you can help with.

SAM

…Listen, Gwen –

GWEN

Just leave it, alright? Focus on your cases. (darker) You wouldn’t understand.

SAM

(cold) Of course not.

GWEN

That’s not –

[She stands]

(quieter) I don’t have time for this.

[Footsteps as she leaves]

SAM

(muttering to himself, bitter) No-one ever does.

[The recording winds down.]

[Music]

ANNOUNCER

The Magnus Protocol is a podcast distributed by Rusty Quill and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Sharealike 4.0 International License. The series is created by Jonathan Sims and Alexander J Newall, and directed by Alexander J Newall.

This episode was written by Shaun Pellington and edited with additional materials by Jonathan Sims and Alexander J Newall, with vocal edits by Lowri Ann Davies, soundscaping by Tessa Vroom, and mastering by Catherine Rinella with music by Sam Jones.

It featured Billie Hindle as Alice Dyer, Shahan Hamza as Samama Khalid, Anusia Battersby as Gwen Bouchard, Lowri Ann Davies as Celia Ripley, Sarah Lambie as Lena Kelley with additional voices from Jonathan Sims.

The Magnus Protocol is produced by April Sumner, with executive producers Alexander J Newall, Dani McDonough, Linn Ci, and Samantha F.G. Hamilton, and Associate Producers Jordan L. Hawk, Taylor Michaels, Nicole Perlman, Cetius d’Raven, and Megan Nice.

To subscribe, view associated materials, or join our Patreon, visit rustyquill.com. Rate and review us online, tweet us @therustyquill, visit us on facebook or email us at mail@rustyquill.com.

Thanks for listening.