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One of the challenges some of us face in a relationship is doubt. There are a few things that I guarantee that this video will bring you: understanding where doubt comes from and how do you deal with it.
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Kirk & Kim Duncan
Kirk Duncan – President/Founder of 3 Key Elements, provides contemporary training and a greater perspective for fine-tuning personal, family, and business communications. He trains you how to implement these techniques, and experience improved relationships, increased awareness, and more productivity and effectiveness in your life.
Kim Duncan – Vice President of 3 Key Elements, loves to teach others about the abundant power that a woman has when she embraces her feminine energy—in the home, in the workplace, in the community, and in the world.
The Art of Mentoring: www.3keyelements.com/trainings/art-of-mentoring/
Master Your Influence: www.3keyelements.com/trainings/master-your-influence/
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Queen of the Kinddom: www.3keyelements.com/trainings/queen-of-the-kingdom/
Royalty & Romance: www.3keyelements.com/trainings/royalty-romance/
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Building a Mind of Steel: www.3keyelements.com/trainings/building-a-mind-of-steel/
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Being in a relationship, it has its challenges.
Watch closely as we talk about how to stop the doubt in your relationship.
You are in a relationship and you're wanted to go well, but oh..
Why is this doubt coming into your relationship?? Like, what's, happening?, You, got these questions, going on., You know.
You kind of look at this relationship and you're wondering about it.
You may even feel like this insight feeling like you are almost wanting to pull away from this relationship.
Kind of distance yourself from this person.
This doubt in your relationship, maybe before you make a final decision, let's, talk about some things about what may be happening in your relationship.
It would not be good.
If there was just some small tweaks that you could do that you would miss that.
And you would actually get rid of this relationship.
Or step away from it.
So let's, talk for just a moment about where, why? Or how this doubt in your relationship has even come from? Well, in a relationship, when we first are connected and we're communicating in a relationship, there's, a lot of new things, a lot of fresh things that are happening., You know, and that could be very exciting in a relationship.
As time goes by in a relationship, no matter what kind of relationship it is, because an amount of time has gone by.
Our mind wears off of the new and starts to look at everything that is now going on.
Our mind is gathering evidence.
It gathers information.
And it gathers evidence.
And, that's, its job.
Every single day.
Mind is constantly evaluating the surroundings, checking on people.
Checking on things.
Checking on everything.
The minds constantly gathering information.
What kind of information? What kind of evidence is the mind gathering?, You know, when we have a small difficulty, just a little one.
We have a small difficulty with a person.
Our mind could actually turn and start to look at what other difficulties were having.
Other challenges were having.
You agree that being in a relationship already has its own challenges and difficulties, right? Because there's difference of opinions, difference of flavors, difference of favorite things., So, there's, always these little differences.
But after the newness of the relationship.
The mind starts to notice these differences.
What we do with this evidence.
And, what we do with this information that can dramatically affect our relationship.
Let's check this out.
In, a relationship, there's, one type of evidence and there's another type of evidence.
I'm going to call this the good evidence and we're going to call this the negative side of gathering evidence about this person.
You have a relationship with.
We gather too much evidence about what is wrong.
We can push anything away.
We could push a person away.
We can push an opportunity.
We can push anything away if we gather enough, bad, evidence.
If we gather enough good evidence, we can pull something close to us.
We could engage closer with that.
We could desire to have a better connection with that person.
It really comes down to how are we way out this evidence that we keep picking up on each day., Now, I've been married for 27, years.
And over 27 years of marriage, I've found that there are things about myself.
There are things about my wife Kim that literally I could find enough evidence about myself to remove myself from a relationship.
I could nitpick me to literally death.
Really, I could nitpick myself of all the things they do wrong, all the things that I forget, everything that I'm not good at.
And I could find enough evidence.
Enough evidence to justify me to walk away from the relationship.
I could find enough bad things in another person to push them.
You could do the same thing.
You could nitpick yourself so bad and get so consumed with everything you do wrong.
You could actually in that moment, just decide you're completely worthless and walk away.
You could do the same thing.
Anybody could do this.
How are we even staying together as a relationship, right?? I mean, we could literally ruin all of our relationships by the type of evidence.
We go looking for and how we stack up that evidence.
You could have a couple children and one..
Maybe you have a couple children.
You've seen this happen.
You can have a family has a couple children and there's.
This one child that causes all the problems.
One child that causes all the difficulty.
And all this attention gets pointed at the child that that child has all these challenges.
You can stack up enough evidence about a child to turn them into a bad child.
What I'm suggesting to you here is your ability to interact in a relationship is based upon your mind.
It's based upon what you're thinking, it's based upon what you're looking for.
You can tip the scale, either way.
Totally tip the scale either way based upon what you're focused on.
Because, whatever you're focusing on.
Your mind is going to keep gathering evidence in that particular direction.
Your spouse is driving you crazy and they're driving you nuts.
And you keep looking at all the things that they're driving you nuts.
About, your mind is not going to stop looking for what's wrong.
It's going to keep looking.
The way the mind is.
We point its attention on and whatever the intention of the attention.
It will stay on that track until we turn it to look at a different way., So, let's say, your spouse is driving you nuts.
And they do some things that irritate you.
You notice them every single day.
If you look at this, if you take all that evidence of what you're finding in that relationship about how they're driving your nuts.
This evidence is going to stack up over here.
It's going to totally do this right? Here.
It is again.
Again, again, again, again, again, again.", And, you're going to keep adding it.
Every day, your mind is geared this direction.
And this evidence will outweigh that evidence.
And when the evidence on this side of the negative things that's going on in life, you will mentally push the relationship away.
And then you will physically push the relationship.
We do with our behavior.
We first had that experience inside of our mind.
So, as soon as we mentally start to be tired of somebody, it's, only a matter of time before we physically try to remove that person from our life.
We go away or they go away., Now that's, not a healthy relationship.
Like, I said, before.
I could do this to myself by the evidence I gather about myself, or the evidence I gather about Kim.
My wife Kim, she could stack up the evidence over here enough to go, "Why.
Am I even with Kirk?" Right? She could do that.
But, here's, the..
The part to think about is this.
We're going to stack up the evidence over here.
If we're not looking over here for the evidence of what's good., it gets out of balance, and it comes over here.
And then you start to doubt.
Tou start to doubt.
But I've worked with many couples., You, know, coaching and mentoring couples.
And come to find out.
The problem is is because one of them is so focused on this.
And I asked the spouse, "Can.
You tell me anything good about your spouse?" And.
They can barely come up with 2 or 3, things.
What it tells me is the person is not managing their mind.
We are people.
And being people.
We are human and being human.
We make mistakes.
And when we make mistakes.
What happens is if the person who is in the relationship with us, they don't let go of those mistakes.
Then it just starts to add up as credit or discredits at us.
It will ruin the relationship.
Now, when something does go wrong.
Of course, you need to have conversations, right?, You, sort things, out., But, it's, how you stack the evidence.
And it's sad.
It is absolutely sad and just completely disheartening to see a good relationship, crumble and fall apart, because neither of them understood the value and the importance of managing what their mind is focused.
I was coaching a husband and wife.
And one of the spouses told me that when their spouse would get on their laptop and type on their laptop, that just the sound of their fingers hitting the keys on the keyboard made them really mad.
And I looked at the spouse and I thought, "You, get triggered by fingers on computer Keys? Like, just that noise?" And, they're, like, "Oh, I, just can't stand the way that they type." You, know, wow!, What?, What else.
What are the ways should they type?? And? I, don't, know., I, just..., They, just need to type different.
I, sat there just like flabbergasted like, "What are this person's problem?", I, said, "Well.
What other things drive you nuts?" Oh.
My goodness, they came up with the biggest, longest list of all these things that their spouse drove them nuts.
Then you you can tell where I went with my next question.
What do you like about your spouse?" And here over here? They got like 30 things.
30 on the list of everything that they don't like.
Then when it came to the good, they came up with like 4.
It made sense.
Why they're not doing well.
Made sense, whether doubting the relationship.
So I gave them the challenge.
I gave them the challenge.
I said, the challenge is, "Over.
The next 7, days, you come up with 100 reasons and hundred why's.
You love your spouse.", If you're going to look at other things that your spouse does that drives you nuts, but you're, not going to find the other parts that is good, of course, they're going to turn out bad.
We need to take a look at how you tip the mind.
You got to examine your thoughts.
You become insightful and realize that you are not balancing your mind very well.
Now, notice, I'm, not pointing the finger at the other person.
I'm, pointing my finger at you and how you're managing your mind.
So to look at where your thoughts are directed., Get insightful to notice, "Whoa.
What am I doing inside of my head?" And now, it's time to change the perspective.
Be able to adjust this.
Be able to take a look at things in a more balanced way.
You have a lot of evidence over here and hardly any.
And if evidence over here, you need to take a look at the way, you're, thinking., What, you're, focused, on.
If you want the relationship to turn out well, even though you're in a place of doubt, right, now., If, you want this relationship to turn out well, it's going to be required of you to literally find 100 reasons why this is a great relationship., 100., If.
You don't, manage your mind.
You can't, manage.
Relationship is a connection.
It's, a physical connection, it's, an emotional connection and it's also a mind connection.
If your mind wanders and starts looking for only the things that are wrong, it's, just a matter of time before the relationship is over or struggling.
It is a game-changer.
It is a game-changer to get the other side of your mind activated in finding what is good., 100 different things that you love about this relationship.
100., Before, you ever even think about putting distance between you and the other person in this relationship, do your list of 100.
If you want to go the extra mile, a list of 200., I know, you're thinking., "Oh, that's, a lot of work." It's worth the work because it has to do with your relationship.
And, not doing the mind work, not making the change in the direction of your mind, you're going to keep going towards that other evidence.
And sooner or later.
You'll, push them.
Away., Or, you'll, go away.
If you sense, some doubt, check in with how your mind is balanced., It could just be tipped.
And you can do something about it today to tip.
So, you can feel confident and sure that you're in a great relationship.
Make, the list of 100.
And do it soon.
Don't, let that doubt stay between the 2 of you.
It's, not going to help at all.
Take, a look at your mind, tip.
Makes, a huge difference.
Take some action on that today.
Your relationships worth it.
Relationships are powerful.
It's worth the work.
And hey, check us out on the rest of our videos here on our YouTube channel by subscribing.
So, you don't, miss any of the great training.
We have coming to you.
You want to check out our training course, called royalty and romance.
All about bringing those relationships, even closer.
Your relationships are worth it..
- Analyse what is making you doubt in the first place. It is a very important step in order to stop doubting your partner. ...
- Build up your own self-confidence. ...
- Acceptance. ...
- Communicate with your partner. ...
- Distract yourself from negative thoughts.
If you're questioning your bond with your partner, you're not alone. It's normal to have doubts about your relationship at times. After all, relationships are hard and no one is perfect. Some degree of uncertainty can be good.Why am I doubting my relationship when nothing is wrong? ›
Perhaps the most common reasons for romantic doubts are our own unresolved emotional baggage. The pain of our past plays an important part in our future, as it follows us around from relationship to relationship.Can a relationship survive doubts? ›
Every relationship has moments of doubt and uncertainty. That's OK. It doesn't mean your relationship is a fraud or destined to fail. Flaws don't make your relationship an imposter.Why do I constantly question my relationship? ›
ROCD is characterized by ongoing intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors around uncertainty of a relationship. For someone with this condition, relationship doubts are experienced as intense anxiety or discomfort that feel impossible to let go of, and they can often take over or sabotage the relationship.Why do I keep second guessing my relationship? ›
If you're constantly second-guessing your partner's beliefs, choices and life goals, maybe even every day, this hints at a lack of trust. While it's OK to disagree with your partner and have differing beliefs and goals, you both should be able to understand and support one another.Why am I so indecisive about my relationship? ›
This indecision is an expression of relationship ambivalence. It's an indication that one or both people feel chronically disconnected and dissatisfied in the relationship—but it's not bad enough to send them packing.Why do I suddenly feel unsure about my relationship? ›
Every couple experiences doubt. It is natural, it is unavoidable, it can cycle back more than a few times throughout the course of a healthy relationship, and it's something you can work through. “Doubt is the other side of certainty,” says Dr. Linda Carroll, a relationship therapist.How do you know if you're falling out of love? ›
Besides no longer getting excited to spend time together, you may find yourself flat-out avoiding your partner. You may stay late at work, see movies or eat dinner by yourself, or even take the long way home to avoid being with your partner for a moment longer than you have to.Do I love him or am I settling? ›
Do you prefer spending time with family, friends, or people other than your partner but still won't give up on your relationship? If you feel this way, you could be settling. On the other hand, if you don't have a sense of happiness and feel nothing when you are around him, it is a sign you are settling.
People with relationship anxiety often feel like things in their relationship are “too good to be true”, and expect things to take a sour turn at any moment. While this certainly can happen in a relationship, most of the time things will not go wrong out of the blue!Should I break up if I have doubts? ›
And while having recurring doubts about if you're in the right relationship can definitely be scary, it might not mean that breaking up with your partner is the solution. If however, you are considering taking the next step into a deeper commitment, then having doubts could certainly be a reason to pause.Should I marry him if I have doubts? ›
If you do find yourself having doubts before your wedding, does that mean you definitely shouldn't get married? "No," says Lavner, "but you should pay attention. You know yourself, your partner and your relationship more than anyone else does. If you're having uncertainty, then you should talk about it."What are the red flags in a relationship? ›
Red flags in a relationship include excessive jealousy and frequent lying. You should also be wary of a partner who frequently criticizes you or puts you down. Another major red flag is an unwillingness to compromise — relationships shouldn't be one-sided.Can anxiety make you doubt your relationship? ›
If you are struggling with anxiety, it is common to continuously ask yourself questions and doubt your relationship. There are many anxiety-motivated behaviors individuals with anxiety often encounter in relationships: Being angry and/or irritable.Why do I overthink my feelings for my boyfriend? ›
Overthinking in a relationship is often due to a poor understanding of your own needs. When you begin to overthink something that is happening in your relationship, ask yourself, “what need do I currently have that is going unmet?” This can help you communicate with your partner.Should I tell my boyfriend I'm having doubts? ›
When in doubt, the best thing to do is talk it out. In every relationship, it's natural to question your feelings, but with enough open communication, you'll never need to doubt what your boo is thinking.Why am I so confused about my feelings for him? ›
Confusion about love is incredibly common, whether you're heartsick over a potential partner or just unsure about how to express your feelings. If you're experiencing uncertainty when it comes to love and romance, one of the most effective solutions is to try to reflect on your own feelings, wants, and desires.How do you know if you have a many to one relationship? ›
A many-to-one relationship refers to one entity (typically a column or set of columns) that contains values and refers to another entity (a column or set of columns) that has unique values.Why do I subconsciously ruin my relationship? ›
Fear of abandonment or intimacy is a primary cause of self-sabotage, but research also shows that people might self-sabotage for other reasons, too. For example, trust issues, limited relationship skills, unrealistic expectations, or low self-esteem, among other things, are all common in self-sabotaging relationships.
The main reasons why relationships fail are loss of trust, poor communication, lack of respect, a difference in priorities, and little intimacy. This article discusses why each may cause a relationship to come to an end.How do I know if I am making the right decision? ›
- Listen to your gut. There's something to be said for trusting your gut. ...
- Spend time reflecting on your values. ...
- Imagine both kinds of “what ifs” ...
- Work through it in therapy. ...
- Zoom out the lens on your life. ...
- Consider the advice you'd give a friend.
- Identify What Is Driving Your Anxiety. ...
- Be Honest About What You're Feeling. ...
- Use Self-Soothing Techniques When Anxiety Levels Rise. ...
- Work on Building Trust With Supportive People. ...
- Address Conflict or Differences of Opinion.
Why do people lose “the spark” anyways? Long distances, contradicting schedules, or growing resentment are all common reasons couples lose their spark—otherwise known as chemistry or a particularly strong connection. But the truth is that even in the best relationships, romance will dwindle if you're not working on it.Am I falling out of love or is it just a phase? ›
If you find yourself totally disinterested in what your partner thinks, feels, says or does, it's likely that loving feeling is gone. Arzt adds people who “only do the bare minimum” may be falling out of love. “They may oblige with date night, but they feel restless and bored,” she says.What is stonewalling in a relationship? ›
What does it mean to stonewall someone? In simple terms, stonewalling is when someone completely shuts down in a conversation or is refusing to communicate with another person.How do you tell if you don't want to be in a relationship anymore? ›
- There's no emotional connection. ...
- Communication breakdown. ...
- Aggressive or confrontational communication. ...
- There's no appeal to physical intimacy. ...
- You don't trust them. ...
- Fantasising about others. ...
- You're not supporting each other and have different goals. ...
- You can't imagine a future together.
Relationship insecurity can be caused by many different things, but it is often the result of feeling abandoned, neglected, or not good enough. There are signs that indicate your relationship is unhealthy and you may be feeling insecure for a reason.How do you ask for clarity in a relationship? ›
The major way to ask for clarity in relationships is to have a genuine and open talk with your partner. You both need to be clear on what you want in the relationship and how the other party can contribute. It would be hard to get clarity in the relationship when there is no communication.What are the 7 most common insecurities? ›
“Some of the most common insecurities and relationships include emotional insecurity, attachment insecurity, physical insecurity, financial insecurity, professional insecurity, and social insecurity,” explains LaTonya P.
- Stop saying you're insecure. You have to retrain the way you think about yourself. ...
- Question your doubts. ...
- Stop overthinking. ...
- Seek therapy if you need it. ...
Relationship anxiety can take on many forms, such as doubting your partner's feelings for you and fearing they will end the relationship. You might also doubt your long-term compatibility or be anxious that they might only be out for what you can do for them.Who settles more in relationships? ›
Men are more likely to settle down, marry and have children in a society where they outnumber women, a study shows.Am I compromising or settling? ›
When you compromise, you are choosing to tolerate certain things to achieve and maintain a beneficial outcome. Settling is making do with less. Compromising is accepting less of one thing in return for more of another.What to do when your partner is not sure about you? ›
- Give him time. If he had already made up his mind about calling it quits, you would know. But, if you think that this is a phase (which is probably is), then give it time. ...
- Give him space. Give him space to streamline his thoughts, and give him space to miss you. ...
- Give him reassurance.
- Pick an appropriate TIME. ...
- Find something to PRAISE. ...
- Focus on HOW YOU FEEL first. ...
- Then state WHY. ...
- Clarify your NEED. ...
- Make a REQUEST or INVITE them to solve the problem with you. ...
- THANK them for listening. ...
- ASK them if there is anything more they'd like to talk about with you.
- First, assess where you are in the relationship.
- Next, assess what you want.
- Prepare yourself for what they might say and how you'll react.
- Be mindful of how you start the conversation.
- Ask open-ended questions.
- Use "I" statements.
- Be specific.